Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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