I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
