i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't turn off my feet"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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