I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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