i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
