I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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