I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
