I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
