I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His hands were made for my vagina.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
