I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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