My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
