It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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