Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
