oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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