Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
