Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
