Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
