I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
