Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
