White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
