Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
