your parents love me but you hate me
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
