My hand turned me down
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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