When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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