Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
