I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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