i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
