Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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