I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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