I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
