So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
