have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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