cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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