i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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