I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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