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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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