just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just had sex on a roof
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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