I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
