I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
