Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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