Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
