Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
