Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
