if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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