true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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