now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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