I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
