2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
