You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if i can run in heels then i can drive
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize