Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
