she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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