I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize