The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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