I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
