We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
