I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
