This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
