Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
