if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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