i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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